Understanding Codependency in Relationships

Codependency wires you to feel like a burden, to put other people's needs before your own, and to perform for love.

Then you're expected to suffer in silence.

Why you're NOT meant to do it all:

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

Codependency is the belief that we're only good and worthy when we put everyone's needs before our own.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

Because we don't feel our needs are valid or worthy of being met, we begin to perform for love. This means meeting the needs of others in order to keep them, to seem valuable, and to be needed.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

A foundational trait of codependency patterns is staying with people who are hurtful, who don't reciprocate, or who don't show us safety in hopes they will somehow change.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

We also overextend ourselves beyond our capacity.

We start to:
-take on more that we're capable of at work
-become the peacekeeper or caretaker
-be there 24/7 "on call" for everyone's issues.

We do this alone while neglecting ourselves.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

Codependency and burnout go hand in hand. Because we try to be everything to everyone, our body eventually displays symptoms.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

These symptoms can be:
-exhaustion
-high anxiety
-dissociation (overall disconnection)
-feeling of numbness
-chronic illness/pain/autoimmune issues

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

In reality, we aren't meant to be everything to everyone.

We're meant to have healthy dependence where: our need are reciprocated. Where we both give and we receive. It's this giving and receiving that keeps us emotionally healthy.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

Breaking The Pattern of Codependency Means:

1. Understanding you won't always be in a place to support someone: "I care about you and right now I'm really not in a space to help you with this."

Setting limits and being honest is kind.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

2. Understanding your role isn't to be responsible for other adults: as you heal, you'll see adult are responsible for themselves. Of course we can support people, but we cannot fix them or get them to change/see what they don't want to see.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

3. Be honest with yourself: most people with codependency patterns have deep rage underneath their "polite" or "nice" behaviors. They repress it because they feel guilty. If you're feeling angry with someone, don't deny it. Get curious. There's a reason.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

3. "Doing it all" is a myth: we aren't meant to do it all. We need help, support, and we also need to focus on specific tasks that we do well. Striving to take on everything alone in codependency in action.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

4. Meet yourself: codependency is the external focus on everyone around you. To heal, you'll need to sit with yourself, to understand your emotions, and to learn your unique needs. It will be scary before it's liberating.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023

5. Understand there will be guilt: when you start saying no, start having boundaries, and honoring your own needs you will feel guilty. This is a good sign you're beginning to end this pattern, not a sign that you're "bad" or "selfish"

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 24, 2023