Understanding Avoidant Patterns in Relationships

When we push the people we love away, we're trying to protect ourselves.

Why We Can Be Avoidant In Relationships:

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

Many of us grew up around adults who:
-didn't understand how to emotionally connect
-were distant
-acted in hurtful or overwhelming ways.

This is why emotional intimacy feels uncomfortable.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

Our nervous system is primed to feel unsafe around people because in the past relationships have been a source of disconnection or danger.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

Interestingly, people with avoidant patterns tend to be attracted to those with anxious patterns.

Anxious patterns = closeness to feel loved
Avoidant patterns = space to feel loved

Those with avoidant patterns can easily feel smothered or controlled.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

These two patterns can come together to create healthy relationships if both people understand each other's needs and there's compromise.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

Avoidant patterns can look like:
-wanting to feel close but subconsciously pushing people away
-feeling strongly that you want to be with someone, then feeling panic at commitment
-shutting yourself off from any new relationship

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

-only having sexual or surface level relationships
-leaving before you're left
-"ghosting" or avoiding working through any issues

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

Avoidant patterns block us from connection.

While we are doing this to keep ourselves safe, to create healthy relationships we have to learn better ways to cope with our emotions.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

Instead of isolating or avoiding issues, we need to learn how to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.

We need to learn to practice vulnerability.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

Being open about your avoidant patterns might mean:
-having a conversation that your tendency is to avoid and explain how you're working on this
- creating a plan for how your partner can support you when you're feeling that "flight" instinct.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023

-being open about how much space you need and when
-reassuring your partner on a regular basis
-encouraging yourself to have open conversations specifically where you say "I feel..."
-having empathy for your partners desire for closeness

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023