Understanding Avoidant Behavior in Relationships

You hold it in then blow up or snap.

Then you regret what you said and how you acted.

Here's Why You Might Be Avoidant:

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

When you're avoidant you hate confrontation, feeling uncomfortable, or causing any issues.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

This is usually because conflict meant emotional explosions, getting the silent treatment, or being shamed or harshly punished as a child.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

So, you avoid in order to stay safe.

While this coping strategy worked in childhood, it does not work for a healthy adult relationship.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

An avoidant partner might:
- say everything is "fine" when it's not
- default to "whatever you want"
- agree to keep the peace
- not speak up when they're uncomfortable
- not assert their needs
- shut down easily in conflict and try to just ignore it

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

Over time, the anger and resentment keeps building. And because you struggle to cope with your anger, you keep repressing it, shoving it down, and talking yourself out of it.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

One day you snap, blow up, or have a "big" reaction.

This will confuse your partner who sees this as an overreaction.

In reality, this is all the pent up things you haven't expressed.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

Then, you feel shameful.

You regret what you said and feel embarrassed that your emotions took over. Sometimes you actually leave you body or dissociate to the point where you can't actually remember what happened.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

When you have avoidant patterns, you need to:

1. Become aware of them: you can't change something you aren't aware of. If you regularly avoid conflict, fear it, or appease people to avoid causing issues you're likely avoidant.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

2. Begin to communicate: being clear on what you're experiencing is key.

Ex: "I'm not sure I'm ok with this, let me think about it"
"It bothers me when I feel like I'm not considered"
"I'm not ok with people coming over tonight"
"I need to feel like a team"

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

When you're avoidant, we've learned to deal with issues is to pretend they don't exist. And while that might work short term, we have to learn to directly deal with issues before they become cycles.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

3. Learn to assert yourself: being assertive will feel scary at first. Being assertive just means you clearly and objectively state your feelings, needs, and thoughts on things.

A safe partner will respect and appreciate this.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

4. Get on the same page: have an open and honest conversation with your partner "in the past, I've been really avoidant. I'm going to work on speaking my needs and not just appeasing you." Can we work on this together?

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023

Many people have learned to be avoidant to stay safe. Healing is about understanding we need to speak up for ourselves and be our own advocate.

Our needs matter, and a healthy partner will encourage this.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 7, 2023