How to Break the Emotional Monitoring Pattern

Constantly asking people if they're ok and trying to make sure they're are not upset is a form of emotional monitoring.

It can damage relationships.

How to Break This Pattern:

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

Emotional monitoring is a constant focus on scanning the moods of those around you in order to feel safe.

Most people aren't aware they do this because it's a subconscious survival adaptation.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

If you grew up in a home with a parent who went into rage spirals, gave the silent treatment, or was unpredictable in their behavior emotional monitoring is developed in order to find a sense of safety.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

Emotional monitoring can look like:
-constantly asking someone if they're ok or if they're upset even when they say they're not
-having extreme anxiety when a close friend or partner is upset or hurting
-a constant focus on the mood shifts of others

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

-feeling like your role is to cheer someone up at all times
-replaying social interactions over and over in your mind
-chronic apologizing (fear of upsetting someone)
-inability to allow someone to be in a different mood state than you are

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

Emotional monitoring is different than empathy.

Empathy is the ability to see a perspective of another person and to resonate with what they're feeling. It provides a sense of belonging and bonds people together.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

Emotional monitoring is near chronic focus on anticipating how someone feels. While having little or no attunement to ones own feelings or needs. It brings a lot of anxiety and can feel extremely draining.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

It makes sense that at one time, emotional monitoring was a powerful way to protect yourself.

If you were around someone whose mood would change drastically and that would impact you negatively, being. hyperaware was necessary.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

In order to build healthy relationships, we have to be aware of this pattern.

Being on the other end of emotional monitoring can feel very confusing, smothering, and frustrating.

We have to give people we love emotional space and emotional flexibility.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

This means:
-the ability to feel emotions that are different than ours
-the ability to be in a mood without needing 'fixing'
-the ability to have inward focus (space to themselves)

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

How To Break The Pattern of Emotional Monitoring:

1. Become aware: spend the next few days becoming aware of how often you're monitoring people's emotions around you. Notice how often you ask "are you ok." Most people are unaware of how often they do this.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

2. Begin introspection: people who emotionally monitor rarely do internal introspection because they're so focused externally. You can do this through journaling your feelings, meditating, or spending time alone. Self reflection is a practice.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

3. Practice emotional tolerance: If you notice someone's irritable or in a bad mood, ask "can I support you in any way?" If they say no, just allow them to be in their mood. You'll teach yourself that emotions are fluid and not something to fix.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

4. Find self soothing tools: those who emotionally monitor direct all their energy to controlling or micromanaging the moods around them. Practice learning how to manage your own anxiety through breathwork, tapping, movement, or creativity.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023

You'll find that practicing these things will create safety in your relationships.

When we give people around us space and trust that they can cope with their own emotions, we build emotional intimacy.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 15, 2023