The Drama Triangle: What You Can Learn

Psychologist, Dr. Stephen Karpman created The Drama Triangle.

I found that this dynamic is in almost all dysfunctional relationships, and most of us don't even see it.

Here's what YOU can learn from it: pic.twitter.com/yeO4W9LgGL

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

Why The Drama Triangle Is Created:
-allows us to avoid or deny dysfunction
-allows us to get their own self motivated needs met (more on this soon!)
- keeps us having a psuedo-connection through chaos, unpredictability, and enabling

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

These roles are all subconscious, meaning each member is unaware that they're playing a role.

And, more importantly, they're unaware of their true motivations for playing these roles.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

The 3 Roles Are:

1. The Victim (note victim role refers not to someone who is actually a victim, but instead someone who feels or acts like one.)

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

The victim reinforces their feelings of inadequacy and low self worth by consistently convincing people that no matter what they do or how hard they try, nothing changes. This belief keeps from having to make any changes in their lives.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

2. The Rescuer

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

The rescuer enjoys having people depend on them. Their relationships are based in enabling of harmful or irresponsible behavior. They rob other people of making their own choices, or facing the consequences of their choices (which is how we learn and grow)

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

3. The Persecutor:

The persecutor is hostile, controlling, dominating, highly critical, and acts superior. They point out the flaws or issues in others without any self reflection of their own. They tend to be highly defensive and emotionally reactive.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

In each of these roles, there's an emotional payoff.

An emotional payoff is something we receive from our behavior.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

The victim's emotional payoff is that they get to feel validated that they can't make actual change in their life.

The rescuer emotional payoff is that they get to appear 'selfless' but ultimately are doing it to avoid their own issues.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

The persecutors emotional payoff is to feel like the only competent person within the family, which allows them to avoid self reflection.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

Each person in the drama triangle has self serving motivation. Because the victim chooses to not change their behavior, and the rescuer has a strong need to avoid their own issues, they keep each other in an unhealthy dependence.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

They enable each other to not make any changes in their lives and continue patterns that keep them stuck.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

It's common for people to switch roles.

For example: A mother might be highly critical of her child saying to "grow up" or "stop being such an idiot." (persecutor role) When her child stands up to her, she might go into the victim role.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

"I guess I'm a horrible mother and can't do anything right. You know what I tried and tried but you never want anything to do with me, I guess since I'm done changing your diapers, there's not point in keeping your mom around.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

If you notice the drama triangle in your family, take a deep breath.

This is extremely common.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

In order to heal, you have to be aware of your OWN role, and WHY you take on this role within your family (otherwise known as your emotional payoff)

Once you're aware of these things, you can start to place boundaries.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

For example:

Your brother plays the victim role and you typically play the rescuer role. He calls you tell you he's behind for rent and asks to borrow more money. Your blood boils because he hasn't paid you back the last time he borrowed money.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

He tells you all the issues he's having and starts to vent about your parents and why they don't help. Usually, you swoop in to take care of his bills, but now you're aware that you no longer want to play this role.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

You tell him: "Money is tight for me, I can't help right now." You get off the phone and practice working through the guilt and shame of not helping because you know it's for the best.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

In codependent or dysfunctional families, people are viewed as helpless or unable to make their own decisions. You are learning to view people (and your brother) as capable and resilient. You know it is not your place to be responsible for other adults.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

With practice you're getting more confidence and you're must less hooked on your family's drama as a way to connect.

You're spending time with healthy people creating bonds that are mutually beneficial and encouraging.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023

You realize that you deserve relationships with people who don't require you to play any role. They value, see you, and honor you as the human being you truly are.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 17, 2023