Learning to Trust Yourself After Growing Up with Helicopter Parents

You were raised by overprotective “helicopter parents.”

Here’s how to learn to trust yourself:

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

Helicopter parents are highly anxious parents that pay excessive attention to their child‘s activities. As the child gets older, they are extremely involved in every aspect of their lives and overprotective.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

They’re not emotionally present.

Instead, they’re operating from a fear based place. Because they struggle to manage their internal anxiety comes out in micromanaging their children. Most helicopter parent’s aren’t (consciously) aware of their behavior.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

Helicopter parenting looks like:

1. Chronic hovering: overlooking every aspect or activity. Having their child check in on a constant basis and doing activities for the child (that they can do for themselves). This creates issues with self worth.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

2. Bailing out: removing any natural consequence from the child’s life in order to protect them. Intervening in outcomes teaches children to fear mistakes, and to not be able to cope with disappointment or rejection.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

3. Emotional micromanaging: constantly checking in with the child about if they’re upset, mad, or feeling any (negative) emotion. Many children end up consoling or comforting their parents, and get little emotional support in return.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

4. Being highly critical: their anxiety tends to come out in being highly critical of their children’s performance, looks, or behavior. They tend to not be aware of this, even when their children bring it up to them because it’s so habitual.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

Helicopter parents have two main concerns:

1. The management of their anxiety: they do this by trying to control every situation around them. Their insecurities keep them from truly bonding with their children.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

2. How they appear to other people: they tend to be consumed with the opinions of others, and ‘mold’ their children to keep up with others. They often compare themselves (and their children) to other people and are ultra competitive.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

Children of helicopter parents feel:
- smothered
- shameful (some hide the relationship they have with their parents or their parents behavior).
- chronic fear of mistakes
- inadequate or like they can’t cope

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

- like they’re responsible for a parents emotion
- like they can’t be independent or do things they want to do (even as adults) for fear of disappointing parents
- like they have to put their parents needs before their own (self betrayal)

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

In extreme cases, helicopter parents intervene in their adult children’s relationships, in their career, or in other areas of their lives that are boundary violations.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

Examples: calling their child’s partner when they have issues, their therapist, or a boss on their child’s behalf etc.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

One of the most damaging part of helicopter parenting is the way that it breaks down self trust and self esteem. You didn’t get to learn how to make mistakes, or have space to develop a sense self.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

How to Heal And Learn to Trust Yourself:

1. Set boundaries: you will need to set boundaries with your parent around how often you’re available or what aspect of your life they’re let into. You might need to stop sharing or hold back some details.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

2. Get to know yourself: adults of helicopter parents often have no idea who they are. They often become over-achievers, or workaholics, but have no true identity or core values.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

3. Notice hypervigilance: typically, hypervigilance (ofte labeled as social anxiety) is a response. You might overthink constantly, fear people are mad at you, or analyze all relationships. Just notice this without judgement and practice re-directing thoughts

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

4. Do things for fun: this might be the most important thing on the list. Finding joy, play, and enjoyment is key for healing because these things weren’t common in your childhood. Instead there was over-seriousness and obsessive competition. Find play.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

5. End self betrayal: maturing into an adult means creating life on your own terms, not to please parents. Start to make choices for yourself and start to meet your own needs, rather than being chronically concerned with your parents opinion.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

It’s important to understand helicopter parents often do love their kids (some people describe their parents as loving them ‘too much’) but they cannot self regulate and often cope in dysfunctional ways.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023

Trying to get a helicopter parent to change, won’t be helpful and can create deeper wounding in the relationship. It’s best to meet a parent where they are at, work on the way you respond, and understand how limited they are in their capacity to support you.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 22, 2023