How to Thrive as the Black Sheep in Dysfunctional Families

You feel misunderstood, alone, or extremely emotionally sensitive and aware. Your family just doesn't get you...

How To Thrive As The Black Sheep: pic.twitter.com/QxktB0XDBV

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

In dysfunctional families, one member is typically the black sheep. The black sheep becomes the scapegoat of the family.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

Family members project their unwanted traits, or the "issues" of the family onto the black sheep. This allows them to blame the toxic dynamics on one person, and avoid looking at the true deeper issues within themselves.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

Sometimes, the black sheep plays the peacemaker role. They're expected to step in and "fix" family issues, even if those issues don't directly involve them.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

From a young age the black sheep feels: alone, misunderstood, highly sensitive or attuned. Some black sheep know from a young age that the adults in their homes can't be trusted and begin taking care of themselves.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

Signs You Were The Black Sheep:
- you were made fun of for your interests or hobbies
- you didn't fit in with your family or develop connected relationships
- other family members intentionally made you feel like the "odd one out."

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

- your parents always put the blame on you and not a sibling who was the "golden child"
- your natural gifts were downplayed or mocked (example: you loved art and were teased for it)
- you felt like you didn't belong or even questioned if you were adopted

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

Many black sheep are "deep feelers" who are curious and open. This is a stark contrast to other family members who are emotionally shut down, rigid, black and white thinkers.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

In our developmental years, our our personality is created based on what parent figures reflect back to us. When we learn our sensitivity isn't ok, our interests aren't valid, and our perspectives don't matter, we feel isolated and repressed.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

As the years go on, the black sheep feels the deep rage, regret, and disappointment within the family unit. They live within the chaos until they go out onto their own.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

Leaving the family unit can be the beginning of thriving as a black sheep. You go out into the world and see that some people do value our interests, our curiosity, and that we can be independent.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

In highly insecure families, independence will trigger other family members who want to downplay or mock this shift. As you begin to find your own identity and begin to achieve things on you own terms family members might want to pull you down to their level

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

How to Thrive As The Black Sheep:
1. Set Clear Boundaries: as a child, you weren't able to do this. As an adult, it's the key to healthy relationships.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

2. Find "chosen family": people who support you for who you truly are and connect with you on a human level.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

3. View your family objectively: notice how their lives have panned out and see from their perspective of why they are threatened or wounded.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

4. Grieve what you didn't have: every person wants to have a healthy, connected relationship to their parents. Grieve the loss. Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

5. Focus on building your "new life": focus on building a life that is in alignment with your own values and desires. This will make you more confident and fulfilled.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

6. Stop seeking parental approval: this is a natural drive, and it's difficult but look to other people to support and uplift you.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

7. Appreciate yourself: what made you different or "weird" can actually be your greatest strength and something you love about yourself. On a regular basis acknowledge your gifts.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

The black sheep tend to be extremely interesting, engaged, creative people who have been stifled as children. Their humor, independence, and sensitive nature can allow them to thrive as adults.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023

Were you the black sheep?

Share your experience in the comments.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 1, 2023