The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Dr. John Gottman's Predictive Pattern of Divorce

A famous psychologist can predict divorce with 91% accuracy.

A-list celebs and billionaires go to him with their relationship challenges.

Here’s the most destructive pattern he identified (and how to protect against it):

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned researcher.

For nearly 50 years, he’s studied the science of relationships.

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

He was able to predict divorce with 91% accuracy by identifying 4 patterns in conflict.

These patterns predicted the end of the relationship.

They were called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The most predictive of them all was Contempt.

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

Contempt is the most corrosive of the Horsemen.

I studied with Gottman and have seen the brutal consequences of contempt in personal relationships and across 100s of company cultures.

Gottman called Contempt: “Sulfuric Acid for Connection” pic.twitter.com/mRCusUtP28

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

What is Contempt?

Contempt sounds like criticism with a crucial difference.

Contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over the other.

Someone feeling Contempt feels BETTER than the other.

Expressing negativity combined with superiority drives the relationship apart.

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

How do you recognize contempt?

Emotions show up as sensations in our bodies.

Studies show emotional sensations have common signatures across cultures. pic.twitter.com/9raRiPrNso

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

Where most feel Contempt:

Contempt often feels like intense heat inside the chest and head area.

Some feel heat and tension in their hands as well. pic.twitter.com/ILtLGRuVRy

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

If you feel Contempt in an important relationship, it’s best not to express it in the moment.

Instead:

-exit the conversation
-let your body reset
-pick up the discussion later from a more calm place

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

How do you recognize contempt in others?

Gottman’s research showed that the most common behavior associated with Contempt was:

THE EYE ROLL pic.twitter.com/DzugJuAzAx

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

Here’s what Contempt sounds like in the workplace:

“You’re overworked? Cry me a river. I’ve been dealing with all the most important strategic priorities. I don’t have time to deal with your issues.” pic.twitter.com/wcqUoAeasv

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

Fortunately, Gottman discovered there is an antidote to Contempt.

He identified a practice you can follow to insulate your partnerships and teams from Contempt.

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

The Antidote to Contempt: Culture of Appreciation

-Remind yourself of your partner’s or colleagues’ positive qualities.
-Find and express gratitude regularly to them.

Sharing your appreciation for the great things about them insulates against Contempt.

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

As Dr. Andrew Huberman points out, gratitude’s powerful impact is upon HEARING it from another: https://t.co/F1jwmg3pm1

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023

To Summarize:

1. Understand the powerful destructive force that is Contempt

2. Learn where to feel it in yourself and how to spot it in others (eye roll)

3. Practice gratitude - create a culture of appreciation in your partnerships to insulate against contempt

— mattschnuck (@mattschnuck) March 22, 2023