Understanding Parentification and Its Impact

If you were called "mature for your page" you might have been parentified. Parentification is when a child is made to fill an adult role.

This is an "invisible" trauma that has life long impact.

Here's why 🧵:

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Parentification is an extremely common family dynamic where children are expected to: manage their parent's emotions or issues (most common is marital problems), take care of the home & siblings on a regular basis, or act as a peer to a parent.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Many parent's aren't aware they're doing this for several reasons:

1. They were parentified themselves.

2. They're overwhelmed & lack support.

3. They don't know/understand the language & culture so they depend on their children.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Parentified children are treated as adults. They're not seen as children who are developing emotionally & need emotional support to find their sense of self.

They're seen as adult peers who are able to navigate crisis and any family issue.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Children adapt quickly to this role. They learn that they must betray their own needs, desires, & emotions to keep the connection to a parent.

Many parentified adults feel a fierce sense of loyalty to the parent that's parentifying them.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

They want to fix, rescue, & protect that parent.

It's a true role reversal.

This can be confusing because while they play a key role in the family, no one check in to see how they feel, or what they think.

Their emotional world is ignored.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Boundaries don't exist.

The child learns to manage the adult emotions. And doesn't have the chance to understand their own inner world.

The result: a codependent view of love.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Adults who've been parentified have been conditioned (since childhood) to ignore how they feel. And to prioritize the needs of others.

They tend to find adult relationships where they: try to fix, rescue, or enable. Just as they did as children.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

They struggle to understand what they actually feel, what they actually like, and what they actually need.

Parentified adults also feel a deep feeling of being misunderstood, of not being considered, or isolation.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Many fill this voice with constant "busyness"-- always on call for other people's crisis or issues. This fills their childhood need to feel wanted.

The most important step in healing is learning to set boundaries.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Of course, this will also be the most difficult because:

1. Boundaries were non-existent

2. Self worth comes through other people

3. Enmeshment (lack of boundaries) feels like closeness. Even though it's superficial.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023

Working through the guilt of setting boundaries, meet their own needs, & clearly speaking their own limits is challenging.

It will also be healing. It's self recovery.

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) March 25, 2023