Leading a Marriage: 17 Tactics That Worked For Us

Five years ago we were in a a MISERABLE marriage.

Our house wasn’t a HOME,
it was a war zone.

We didn’t speak days at a time.

•We said the D word.
•All we have almost wasn’t.
•My kids could’ve not had a dad.

Recently my wife told me,
It’s better than the honeymoon!

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

Men,

It all starts with you!

Take the LEAD.
Reject passivity.

I know everyone’s situation is unique, but here’s 17 things that worked for us & I’ve seen work for others!

Nothing is more critical than on fire homes.

I hope this helps.

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

1) Prioritize your family above all else.

This means making a CHOICE to
-work less
-watch less TV
-set boundaries with friends

Fill yourself up first.
I wake at 5am to:
-train
-journal
-pray for my family

Then I’m ready to pour into them.

Men,
Lead yourself,
then LEAD them!

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

2) We quit “watching a show” every night in bed sitting in silence.

Watching a show is a crappy excuse 2 connect.
We cancelled:
-Hulu
-Cable
-Netflix
-HBOGO

If we watch something now,
We’re learning together.
We’re interacting!

No TV in the bedroom.
Only sleep & sex!😴🔥❤️

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

3) Five Love languages

-Gifts
-Quality time
-Physical touch
-Acts of service
-Words of affirmation

Discover what they desire & focus on that!

If his is touch & you only spend time, he won’t feel desired.

If hers is time, & you only do things for her she won’t feel filled up.

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

4) Understand your partners “Stress Language!”

This is something I never considered until @taylorburrowes wrote a brilliant article on it!

Understand their:
-go to when they feel stressed
-how you can identify it
-how you can best support them work through it!

Game changer. 🙏

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

5) NEVER KEEP SCORE!

I recently tweeted
“If you keep score in a relationship or marriage you’ll both lose.”

Stop the poisonous attitude of I did all the:
-dishes
-laundry
-cleaning

You are teammates.
You are lovers.
Act like it!

End score keeping so you can both win!

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

*Tip for women.

Most of us men really want to help but don’t know how.

Give us lists!

Give us a few list items each week we can take off your plate & we love to help you.

Guys, ask her what can I take off your plate today?

The key is solid communication around this.

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

6) Communication is everything!

We all know this.@TheShoups taught me a practical way to apply it.

Have a weekly family meeting!

Each Sunday gather the troops &:
•go over the schedule & week
•talk problems, let them be aired
•go over the family mission & talk big stuff

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

7) I took extreme ownership

I read @jockowillink book & applied the lessons to marriage!

-She’s not doing something I like, then it’s ON ME to communicate.
-Every aspect of our relationship is on me
-0 excuses

Comes down 2 being a BOY vs being a MAN & taking ownership!

LEAD! pic.twitter.com/nkfnMgEeAA

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

8) We saw a counselor & got professional help & tips from an expert.

It was critical having a mediator that helped us break through & get out of our own way.

We got into ruts & what we now refer to as the crazy cycle.

She helped us identify & defeat them before they spiraled.

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

9) Men only.
Listen & validate don’t fix!

Our instincts when she’s sharing a struggle is:
•Fix
•Get defensive

She’s often not wanting us to fix.

Its her way of connecting & sharing life.

•Listen & VALIDATE.
•Let her know you care instead of quickly responding to do this.

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

10) Mandatory date Nights with no kids!

-Have fun together
-Men plan it out for her

At home it can get so monotonous:
-did u pack lunches
-get the laundry done
-I took the trash out etc

Every week we hire sitters and go out for a fun adult only date night to connect & grow! pic.twitter.com/7TjjJw186t

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

This is the best money we spend all week.

I often hear parents say I would do anything for my kids.

Then keep pursuing your spouse!

Model love & a growing relationship so they can see that as NORMAL.

Men,
Ferociously pursue her always like you did when first dating!🔥❤️

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

11) Men quit watching porn.

I justified it as:
•Stress reliever
•Not a big deal

BUT

I knew deep down it was harmful to my marriage.

When your wife knows she’s the only woman you look at, fantasize about, & lust after;

It’s POWERFUL!

Cancel PIXEL booty,
& PURSUE her booty!

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

12) Connect with fun, physical activities as a family!

42 months now we have no TV or Netflix in our home & instead we:
✅Hike
✅Swim
✅Ride bikes
✅Plank challenges
✅Family dance contests
✅Relay races with our dog
✅Read books outside at sunset
✅Weekend getaways & exploring pic.twitter.com/N0cbKHaPZW

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

13) Speak life to one another, leave notes & love letters.

A few years ago we never built one another up.

It was nagging & complaints.

-Now, it’s our mission to try & give one another energy & show gratitude for all the other does.

-The goal is always to build them up! pic.twitter.com/9SGXVt6YWZ

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

14) NEVER speak bad about your spouse in front of others.

-Even if it’s a joke it’s off limits!
-Build them up in front of others always!

-Like you were taught,
if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

-Kindness wins, especially in marriage! ❤️

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

15) Do some activities apart!

We give each other time away to refill & recharge.

A guys night out or girls weekend is always welcomed & accepted with NO GUILT!!

-We take at least a trip a year apart.

-Absence makes the heart grow fonder & we always come back recharged! pic.twitter.com/bAZEGeVRz7

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

16) “Take your family on adventures!”

My favorite tweet from @themanslife

I embraced that & led my family on:
-scavenger hunts
-challenging hikes
-picnics & sunset walks
-fun date nights with the wife

Dads,
-Create fun & challenging adventures!
-You’ll grow closer as a unit! pic.twitter.com/ylcUvAofSX

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

17) Men,
She needs to be your #1 always!

Think when you were first dating.
-love notes
-date her fiercely
-keep pursuing her

Women,
Even more than LOVE,
he needs your RESPECT.

Trust his judgment!
Build his ego & he will slay dragons for you!

We read this book together.

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

18) Fellas, do this & you’re instantly in the 1% of husbands.

I call this THE BIG THREE.

•Plan & take your wife on a DATE NIGHT every week!
•Take all the kids & give her a few hours a week where NO ONE NEEDS HER.
•Write a letter or send a video THANKING HER for all she does.

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023

Having an on fire marriage & spouse that supports you is the best.

“They are no longer two,
but one flesh.
What God has joined, let no one separate.”
-Mathew 19:6

Thanks for reading.

Now go call your S/O & tell them how much you love them & are grateful for them! ❤️

— Tyler Todt (@tyromper) April 6, 2023